Thank you all for coming. It is my distinct pleasure to introduce my candidacy for President of the United States in 2020.
Don’t vote for the lesser of two evils. Vote for the greatest of three!
I understand that in these trying times, you need certainty. You need to know who stands before you, and what they stand for. My platform is simple and speaks to the true soul of our nation.
Fire: I’m for it.
Public Finance: Once in office I will ransack the treasury and sweep the national savingings into a big pile I can sleep on in the White House.
Military: It needs more dragons.
International Diplomacy: I support a strict plan of burning their houses and stealing their gold.
I believe that covers all of the important issues. Vote for me! Or I’ll burn your house down.